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Life Without You

     Jessalyn was called home on June 3, 2007, Although she is no longer here with us, Our lives will continue on.  I have created this page to Journal the events that have happened since that dreadful day and to chronicle the long Journey, this Family has ahead of us as we seek justice in her name.  Jessalyn would want us to keep her updated on all the daily activity we incur while she is not here. 

      In honor of You, Jessalyn, and all the Years of Journaling You kept in the short time You were here.  I will keep You informed of Our daily thoughts and activities, no matter how sad and contrite they may be without You here to spend each moment with us.  We will continue to honor Your memory and spread the love you were so great at giving. Our Sweetheart, Our Angel, Forever & a Day !

AUNT CELLE May 26, 2011
 
JUST YOU

Boog ,
  i haven't been on your site for along time -but i carry you with me no matter where i go . I miss you so much i think i miss you all most as much as mama .Sometimes i see you wherever i go in so many young girls faces , its scary sometimes its like you are sayin here i am don't forget theres no way i would ever forget you .. thanks for seeing me though the times with Casey and all the talks we had about differant family members . Sometimes we would laugh about them and talked bad about them but that was me and you . Justin stills cries for you and misses you and for Jacob i don't think he will ever love any girl as much as he love his aunt boog ... Boog its so hard for all of us but we each deal with it in our way -mad -cay - laugh - we will all see you  one day and i know you will meet us all at the beautiful gate -don't want too ever say goodbye so i am gonna say see you soon ...



                                                                              LOVE YOU ALWAYS 
                                                                                     AUNT CELLE UNCLE GARY 
                                                                                JUSTIN -JACOB -CLAYTON -JESSE 
                                                                               ALL THESE BOYS JUST WAIT WE ALL
                                                                                           MISS YOU .FOREVER IN OUR 
                                                                                       HEARTS ....

Katie Bullard May 6, 2009
 
Thinking of you!
Hey Boog, I have been thinking alot of you here lately. Christopher got married and we both missed you being there. We was talking about you and how much fun we use to have on out trips to the mountains. I can remember us staying up for hours talking about what we was going to be when we got older and who we was going to Marry!! I will never forget the night we highlighted you hair and I made  the "contract", we thought Nanny was going to kill us! Or us writing on the pads and throwing them in the cracks!! I miss all these lil things and I know I dont show it but its just my way of dealing with things!  The night we went to Mcdonalds and I ran right into the back of that lady I didnt think we was ever gonna stop laughing! I hate that we grew apart the way we did. U was always the one that made me feel like you wanted me around!! I miss you and there isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of you and wish things could have been diffrent between us!! I love you so much!
Momma October 10, 2008
 
We're going to Trial

     Hey Baby Girl, I wanted to let you know that we will be going to Trial next week.  We've had to endure so much since that hot Summer June night in 2007.  Our whole world was turned up-side down & Our lives will never be the same.  We have waited a long time to get to this point & yet, I dread it more than anything.  There are so many things that can go wrong, especially when we look at his habitual past & see where he was given his freedom for so many crimes that should have deemed him a resident of our Prison system.  Instead, he was illegaly placed in the path of the vehicle you were riding in.  He has caused so much trauma & turmoil to 3 different Families as well as his own family & yet, I do not see any remorse from him at all & believe me, I have searched over & over each time we have had to face him in the numerous court hearings.  Why didn't he try to help any of you that night?  That void act of consideration describes the type of Person that he is & his acts of arrogance in the Courtroom follows accordingly.

     In the event that he is proven guilty, I have to prepare a Victims Impact Statement, along with Angelica & Summer & it is one of the hardest burdens to bear.  There are no words to describe the way this had effected us and I can tell there is no use in trying to chastise him the way I want to, because he just don't concede to the hell he has caused or the eternal damage that his choices in life have caused.  I struggle to find the words that will be the most effective to his rehabilitation and his acceptance for his actions as well as his future as someone who survived that dreadful wreck.  His injuries were not even comparable to the injuries all 3 of you girls sustained & I can only hope that his nights are interupted by nightmares & sleepless nights, just as Our, Angelica's & Summers nights have been.  I want him to see your face each time he closes his eyes the way I do when I think about you in the hospital without your Mom & Dad by your side as you took your last breathe.  My only consolation through it all, is knowing that you were able to accept the Lord & ask forgiveness of your sins before you were called home. Every time I think of that, I am filled with peace and it pushes me more & more to live my life so that I can join You in Heaven.  Your heart was always tender & pure & it's so ironic that your most fatal injury would be your heart.  It proved to me that this was the most fragile part of your body.

     I hope that you will be right beside us next week as we fight for justice, I'm going to need your Angel wings around me to protect me from all the hurtful lies that will be said & the details of your injuries & wreck that will be displayed in order for both sides to fight for all involved.  We are a stong Family when we come together & I have to give you the credit for keeping us united and we will carry on throughout our future with you in our hearts & your memories on our minds and I will always defend you until we are together again.  Waylon will always know that his Sister is with him and loved him effortlessly.  I love You, Jessalyn and tug on God's sleeve & lead him to that courtroom next week, We will need you both............................ 

Momma September 24, 2008
 
A Crazy World

  Hey Girl; I've really been missing you alot lately,more so than usual!  Some of the things that have been happening have made me look around for you to share my thoughts with or just to hear your comment back.  We have finally been told that we are scheduled for the Trial the Second week of October,They will pick the Jury on Oct. 6th/7th & then the trial will begin the following week.  He has turned down his last offer & now has elected to gamble with his freedom of an additional 15-20 Years.  Which is fine with me, I don't want to ever see him roaming the Streets of any County.  He took that privelage away from You, So I figure he deserves nothing less........

  I've been trying to finish writing My Victims Impact Statement to be read at the end of his verdict, But, I'm finding it rather hard to wrap all my emotions, feelings, heartache and turmoil up into a few pages of paper.  There are so many ways that his actions have affected so many People that a couple of minutes of Verbal chastisement doesn't seem fair enough for his lack of emotion and remorse.  I went to Church with Waylon last Sunday night & felt I needed to have the Lord in my heart in order to make it through the Trial as well as the rest of my Life.  I knew that I would need a higher strength & knowledge to finish writing my Statement with atleast a little bit of peace in my heart.  So, I asked for help & asked to be carried when I'm not able to walk beside him from time to time.  Almost immediately, I felt a cold draft around me & a voice telling me to turn everything over to him & he would prevail & the mending of my heart would begin.

    After this past Friday, I needed that promised comfort.  I bought a Balloon & flowers & took them to your Cross on Friday & when I pulled-up, I witnessed 3 of the Devils Servants shooting a gun toward your Cross.  Within seconds, a hundred thoughts ran through my mind as to why???? anyone would be so cruel & who could have had that much vengence & cruelty in their hearts to want to cause damage to this Cross as well as to my heart.  I have to believe that ther will come a day that each one of them will suffer the consequences of their actions & You can finally rest in Peace that You so richly deserve.  I've told you before, that I will fight to the very end to avenge your death and seek Justice in your name.  Nothing has changed except, that my fight will be including a stronger force with alot more power than any evil act of  Satan.

   There are times that I feel like I may have failed You as a Mother, so, I will spend the rest of my Days making You & Waylon proud and making-up for lost time.   I Love you and miss you with all my heart, Please don't stop showing your presence, for it's your proof of love & peaceful signs that keep me going. Love You Sweetheart & I will see you again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Nell Bullard August 22, 2008
 
"A Letter from Heaven"

             IN HONOR AND IN MEMORY

OR OUR GRANDAUGHTER, WHO WENT TO BE

WITH GOD, JUNE 3rd, 2007

' A Letter from Heaven"

  To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...but first

of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay early on a Sunday

morning. I'm writing this from Heaven: here I dwell with God above.

Here, there are no more tears of sadness; here is eternal love. Please

do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm

with you, every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you,

when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me

and He said, "I welcome you," It's good to have you back again; you

were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be

here later on. I need you here badly; you're part of my plan. there's so

much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

  God gave me a list of things, that He wished for me to do, and foremost

on the list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in the bed at

night, the day's chores put to flight; God and I are closest to you in the

middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving

years, because you're only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there

would be no flowers, unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell

you, all that God has planned, but if I were to tell, you would not understand.

But one things for certain, though my life on earth is o'er, I am closer to you

now, than I ever was before.

  There are many rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb;

but together we can do it, by taking one day at a time. It was always my

philosophy and I'd like it for you too that as you give unto the world, the

world the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow

and in pain, then you can say to God at night - "My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented, that my life had been worthwhile, knowing

 as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. so if you meet

 somebody who is sad and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up,

as on your way you go. when you're walking down the street, and you've

got me on your mind, I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step

behind. and when it's time for you to go from that body to be free

remember you're not going - you're coming hre to me.

         WE LOVE AND MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH,

         NANNY & PAPA BULLARD

         ALL OF YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS

Momma August 12, 2008
 
Nothing is the same anymore.

    Angelica came to see me & Waylon last week & we talked & gossiped just like the three of us used too.  We walked into your bedroom, looked at all your ear-rings, pictures on the wall & read some of your notes that you had doodled.  It brought a smile on both of our faces to talk about you & remember words said & things that were done, but we both were covering up a broken heart.  It makes me feel closer to you when she comes to visit, because we both are able to share so many memories that each of us experienced with you, although some of the memories that you & her had, were a little bit wilder than some of mine, I still enjoyed hearing about how you enjoyed life & tried to soak-up every second you were given.  If only I would have known that your life would be so short, I would have lightened up on you a little more so that you could have experienced a few more adventures.  I was just so scared that you would get hurt, physically, mentally or emotionally & I  couldn't bare to see you sad or broken-hearted or even sick.  I wanted so much for you & yet you seemed to be content with what you had.  My Little Girl had turned into a Young Lady in a blink of an eye & I wanted you to stay young at heart & keep you close to me.  After all, You were my Shadow, a huge part of me & I often saw alot of me in you, so I wanted to steer you clear of all the mistakes & misfortunes that I had experienced at your age.  Then, I find a letter you had wrote to me a few years back, saying that you wanted to be a Mother & Wife like me, what a surprise that was to find it at a time that I was questioning so many choices I made with parenting & life in general.  Once again, you made me smile & cry without you being here physically.  There are times that I feel you near &  on a few occasions, I have even smelled your perfume.  I find myself consulting with you before I make a decision or thinking what you would want me to do or say in different situations.  I really think I would have made some pretty bad decisions, if I hadn't thought of you first.

     I miss you so much & nothing is the same anymore.  For instance, this past Sunday, Lil'Derrall & his Family & Derrick & his Family came over to eat dinner & visit with me, Derrall & Waylon.  While I was cooking dinner, I listened as everyone was talking, I noticed  a Lil' Country twang amongst all the voices missing & as we sat down to eat at the table, there was an empty chair.  It was so hard to have everyone together & you not here too.  I imagined you sitting on the floor playing with Austin & Dalton, picking at Derrick & Lil' Derrall & gossiping with Crystal & Amanda, changing Waylon's C.D.'s & helping me & Derrall cook & setting the table.  As reality kicked-in, & I knew you couldn't be a part of these gatherings any longer, My heart just sank & I had the most empty feeling. 

     I feel hatred toward the person that caused you to be absent from Our lives, I feel jealousy when I see others with their Children, I feel guilt, if I start to have a good time & there is always a feeling of being lonely, even when I am surrounded by a hoard of People.  All of these feelings are things I've experienced every day since you were taken from me & I know that I will feel this way until I see you again.  But, it's not always so easy for others to understand how I feel, some have already stopped mentioning your name, others seem to have went on with their lives as if nothing ever happened.  You were always a big part of my daily life & not even a thing such as death will make things any different.  There has not been a day that I haven't thought of you, missed hearing your voice or even uttered your name.  I told Angelica that the more I speak of you & share memories of you with others, the more I feel like you are nearby & if speaking your name & remembering your eyes, your voice & that beautiful smile help me to keep you alive, I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  You were & still are my heart & precious baby girl.............

Momma July 9, 2008
 
Wishing You were here
image

     Days are pretty lonely for me now, Boog. I  miss you so much & I find that each day is a little harder to cope than the days before.  I find myself trying to call your cell phone, hoping that you will answer or looking at the caller I.D. when the phone rings, to see if it's you calling to tell me that you are alright.  I guess I never realized how much you were a part of my existence until I lost you.  I think back & can't help to wonder if I gave you enough of myself as you so vastly grew & matured.  I know that there were times when you were younger, that I deprived You & Waylon from a Full-Time Mama,  I can't believe how much time I devoted to my job & all the activities that I missed, because I refused to take off from work.  I'll live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I let that Job consume My whole Life, just so that I could prove that I was Independent & to be able to give You & Waylon every thing you needed & a few of the things that ya'll wanted.  Come to find out, the only thing I wasn't providing for you both was my undivided attention & my presence that was so often absent & desperately needed.

    There was a time, not long ago, that I pouted & threw many Pity-Parties for Myself, because My health would not allow me to maintain my independence & provide monetary contributions to this Family. I didn't realize it at the time, that this was a blessing in disguise.  If I had been able to keep working, I would have missed out on the biggest contribution to this Family that I could ever give & be most proud of & that was spending my days with My Little Girl,(who seemed to become a Young Lady when I wasn't paying attention) and witnessing Waylon say words for the first time & mature into a teenager while his Sister fervently held his hand. You see, I was finally able to experience all these blessings myself, instead of a Daycare worker or Babysitter & I am so greatful for those unanswered Prayers (as Garth sung) that I thought were being ignored.

     This proved to me that the Lord has a plan for us all & he knew that the days that I would be able to spend with You were numbered.  I'll always cherish each & every one of them that I was able to witness & experience & I hope that You understood why I would always deter you from following in My footsteps.  I never wanted to see You spend even one day of not being able to share your love & tender heart with the ones that needed you the most, it's a mistake that I regret making on a daily basis.  If I had still been working throughout your Teenage Years & at the time of your death, I would not be able to live with Myself.  The guilt that I already feel for all those wasted years of missing out on so much of your life has changed me & the way I look at things now is so different than the way I used to see things.  I now see each day as one day closer to being able to see My Beautiful Daughter, My Protective Brother & so many other loved-ones that are celebrating with You up in Heaven, One day closer to a body that will no longer ache with pain, a heart that will no longer be broken & a day closer to seeing Waylon's mind & body be healed to perfection & we'll all sit beside him in Heaven telling us all the things he wanted to say & singing the songs that he loved to listen to.

    I'll never forget the time we had together as Mother & Daughter as well as Best-Friends . I'll forever be sorry for the time that I deprived You of, But ,I never loved you any less during the entire time I was blessed with being your Mama & there isn't a Mother that could love her Children anymore than I do.  Just know that I miss you & would give anything to hear you call-out ,"Mama' throughout  the house, this time I would be here to come running every time.

      

Momma June 17, 2008
 
Fighting for Justice

   We went to Court again yesterday, the 16th of June.  They advised that there are 2 more witnesses  that have to be interviewed by the State Attorney and then we are scheduled to return on the 21st of July for a "Pre-Trial" hearing.  On that date, we will also find out the date that the Trial is going to start, which they seem to think will be in the month of August.  It has been a long year trying to seek justice for You, Angelica & Summer, but, we will continue fighting until we see him behind bars for a long, long time.  If he only knew all the hearts that have been broken and all the tears that have been cried since that awful night, he would voluntarily walk inside those Prison doors and ask them to throw away the key.  We miss you so much and everytime I look at him in the Courtroom, I see your face and imagine all the pain that you must have suffered that night and then I think of the minor injury that he sustained compared to all 3 of you Girls.  You did not deserve for your life to end so soon nor the way that it did.  To have a Habitual Criminal and Drunk Driver take you from the arms of your Family, brings insult to the kind & tender heart that you shared with everyone you met.  I hope that each night before he closes his eyes and the first glimpse of light in the mornings are spent trying to  erase your face from his vision.  Angelica and Summer shake with freight every time they see him too and I know that they are reliving that night over and over in their minds when they have to see him walk in handcuffed & shackled with the ugly little smirk on his face.  It's just not fair and I know that I used to tell you that "Life ain't fair" all the time, but this goes beyond the everyday Mother to Daughter reasoning & explanations.  Nothing about this make any sense, believe me, I've looked at it in every way possible and still there is no comfort or understanding.  Jessalyn, please ask the Lord to send me strength and guidance to carry-on this fight, It is getting harder and harder to accept the fact that you are gone and that there is someone sitting in a jail down the road responsible for it all.

  I love you Sweetheart and I promise I will not stop until my work here is done!

 

karen barron June 4, 2008
 
missing u still

Today was a year since you've been gone but will never be forgot.

Your smile and voice will always be in out minds and on our hearts.

We went to your gravesite and we lite candles and cryed.

We all can't believe it still that you are gone .We laughed about some of the silly things u would do or say. And then cryed some more. We played music to remind us of u. We read poems and said how much we love and miss u still. I just want your mama to know .Jessalyn will never be forgot. She was love by many. I can't imagine what u go thru every single day. I have both my kids and my biggest fear is to loose one of them. I have thought and layed in the bed many nites waiting for the phone to ring and some nites it did in the middle of the nite and my heart would drop to my feet and it was always that he was alive but thank God cuz so many nites I never knew where he was and if  he would make it home alive. I hope Jessalyn and jake keep thier hands on my babies and all the rest of these young kids. Cuz in a blink of eye and a walk out the door it could be the last time we get to say I love you or give them a hug.Mellisa if u every need some one to talk to u can always call me 259-5346. I can't say and will never be able to say at this moment I know how u feel and hopefully God willing will never have to any time soon. But I see the love in your face u have for your babies. She was a precious girl and u should be proud that for the time u had her u raise a good respectful girl. And every time she was around u and would talk about her family u could hear the love in her voice for all of you. My prayers are with u today and every day. God bless ya'll.Every time a see a butterfly or see the tatoo on my neck of one I think of her. She was special and remember that she was loved by soooo many people not just her family but by many friends and they will NEVER forget ur babie barbie doll.... We love u and keep u in our prayers.

Momma April 16, 2008
 
Friends

  We went to Court again on the 7th of April and once again it was hard to look at the cause of your death face-to-face.  My body just trembles when I see him walk into the Courtroom & my heart aches with anger.  I was told that going to Court would be hard, but I never imagined the array of emotions I have each time.  I just want justice to be served for You, Angelica, & Summer.  I talked to both of them and gave them a Hug for you.  It's so strange to see them & not see you standing there with them.  Our home is so bare without the laughter of Teenagers,(Excuse Me) Young Women, echoing off the walls & the silence of the telephone from your Friends & Jake not calling sends my mind into a whirlwind.  I never thought that I would miss that sound, But I do & would give anything for things to be like they were before.  I miss you & our little talks so much.  Just don't laugh at me, if you see me walking through the house ranting and raving about this & that, I'm only imagining that I am talking to you like I used to do.

   I Love you Girl, and I think about you all the time.  Oh Yeah, I'm praying each day and night for your Friends and their futures, they have been through alot too and I know that you would be the first to be there by their sides.  Just lead them down the path that leads them to you and we will all be filled with comfort and peace.


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