Jessalyn Miranda Combs

My dear Jessalyn, I miss you so so much. Got your beautiful

butterfly head stone down. This will help your mom for some

closure. Lord only knows that all of the closure won't ever come.

When we go to your mom's & Derrall's keep waiting for you to come

out of your bedroom asking Papa & Nanny what did you bring me?

Oh & nanny put some dye on that gray hair!!! Our memories will go

on forever of you, Katie, & Chris going on vacation to the mountains.

Also taking you & Katie shopping at Belks, also going to Dollywood &

seeing Neal McCoy. Sure had some good times, we will have them again

when we get to Heaven with you.

Love you so much,

Nanny Bullard

     I can't believe how fast time flies, the past 3 months of this new year have passed in a blink of an eye.  I guess that is why I am having such a hard time lately, because it is getting close to being a year since the accident & I feel like everyone thinks that I should be over all the hurt & burdensome days.  But, it's actually just the opposite, I miss you even more & hurt even worse than I did right after it happened.  Some of the literature I've been reading said, it would probably be this way, because everything has started to settle down, fewer people are talking about it now & that's just something I can't seem to deal with.  I can't stand to hear someone say, "I know that you've been through alot & have had a hard time, But....")  But, what? These are usually people & sometimes even family members that have never had to experience loss in the magnitude that I have.  They may have financial problems, just like we always have, or a bad day now & then & yet they seem to think that they can empathize with me & actually what they are doing is called dutifully sympathizing & there is a big difference between the two. 

     The level of hurt & misery that I have experienced in my past of all the burdens that have been bestowed on us, such as having Lupus, being told that my son may never speak & that he may one-day have to be placed in a facility because he has Autism does not even compare to the tragedy that the Good Lord thinks that I'm able to bear since June 3,2007.  I keep asking, "Why" & I know that I shouldn't, but, I can't comprehend the reasoning behind all the hardships this Family has had placed on us.  Thank God, I  have a very supporting Husband & even Ex-Husband that I can share alot of memories of you with, as well as loving & caring Parents & Mother-in-law. I'm also greatful for those that I know I can call-upon & they would be here in an instant, but, just as many of those that are blessings to have in my life, it seems like there are just as many that don't understand the grief, the lonely days, the sleepless nights, & the big vacant place in my heart since losing you, Boog.  I know that you have seen me struggling with it all & I even feel you close-by at times, so don't be upset that I've slipped into a world of despair, it's the only way I know how to keep existing without my Daughter who was always by my side through the good times & the many set-backs we were dealt with as a Family.  And for those of you that are reading this & you are thinking that it sounds like I am having a "Pity-Party" for myself, your right.  It's the only kind of party I can seem to plan anymore..........

     I love you so much, Jessalyn, & I can only hope that I showed that love to you each & everyday of your much-to-short life & that you went to your Heavenly Home knowing that without you, Our home here, will never be complete again & you were the sunshine on a cloudy day, & the sparkle of your eyes outshined the brightest moon. So without you, we live in a bold darkness & rely on your sweet memories to guide us through what each day unknowingly holds for us until we find our way to be with you in Heaven.

      Tommorrow, Waylon will be turning 16 years old & I can't believe that you can't be here to help me plan something for him.  I can hear you now, saying, Mama, Let me take Waylon riding up-town so I can show everyone My Lil' Bro (even though he's bigger than me).  You were always there for him & he is missing you so much.  He lays awake in your bed every night & stares up at the ceiling, listening to his music & it hurts so bad that he can't tell me how he is feeling, but I can see that all-to familiar look in his eyes, the same one that I see in mine each time I look into a mirror.  A look of confusion, sorrow & heartbreak.  Even though Waylon can't talk, he seems to understand alot more than others give him credit for, He always knows when I'm having a hard time and he'll come up to me & give me a kiss on the cheek.  He won't let me out of his sight, If I go into another room for more than a minute, he comes hunting me down as if he's scared that I might go away too when he's not looking.  He struggles every day, just like the rest of us & yet he often finds a way to cheer me up.  For instance, yesterday, I was having a really bad day as well as this whole week & I turn around to follow his laughter & find him sitting in the baby's playpen, laughing uncontrollably & thriving for my attention.  He wanted to see me laugh again & he succeeded.

     I hurt for him as well, because I know he didn't only lose his Sissy, but he lost the Parents, he was used to having too.  Me, Derrall, nor Randy have been the same since we lost you & I guess we never will be.  If he only knew, that he's the purpose of my survival & existence each day & I can't believe that my Baby Boy will be 16 & has suffered more than most men in their 40's.  I know that you probably laugh each time, I have to shave his face & watch him pick out his clothes for School & I hope you are with him every time he leaves this house to watch over him & protect him just like you did when you were here.  He couldn't have asked for a more protective & proud Sister than you!!

AUNT BOOG , I WAS RIDING IN THE TRUCK WITH NANA & PAPA I LOOKED AT NANA AND WANTED TO KNOW WHY I CAN'T SEE YOU OR BE WITH YOU ? ,I ASK NANA WHY ARE YOU IN HEAVEN ? WHY CAN'T I SEE YOU ? WHY CAN'T I HUG YOU? I WANT MY AUNT BOOG . ( STARTED CRYIN) NANA (ME ) TOLD HIM SHE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU IN THAT LITTLE HEART OF YOUR'S AND BUBBA'S BOTH .SHE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE WHEN EVER YOU NEED HER JUST ASK HER TO COME IN YOUR DREAMS . JESSALYN YOU WAS THE BEST AUNT THESE LITTLE BOYS COULD EVER HAD . YOU ALWAYS TOLD THEM YOU LOVE THEM AND WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM . SO THIS WAS JUST TOO SAY NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THERE HEARTS . THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR THEM . LOVE YOU ALWAYS AUNT BOOG - JUSTIN  & JACOB  YOU'LL LITTLE PIM. JESSALYN I WANTED TOO SAY THAT UNCLE GARY AND I LOVE & MISS YOU.

     Boog, these days are so lonely without you here, I miss your companionship more than anyone could possibly imagine.  It's even hard for me to go somewhere in public, because it always seems like I see someone who resembles you or walks like you and then I get a feeling in my stomach like someone has kicked me & then I get mad and sometimes even a little jealous that you aren't the one walking around shopping in Walmart or driving your car down the road.  I still can't understand why you were taken so soon & why couldn't the one that caused that accident have been taken instead of you?  Instead, he received the least amount of injuries that night and he never even tried to help any of you get out of the car.  I can only hope that the Justice System doesn't let you down & give him a new home behind the highest walls & the darkest ,cold, damp cell there is.  Even this is not good enough for him, but I am confident that God will give him his ultimate punishment & when that day comes, I hope he has to look at you & explain why he did what he did & why he never showed any remorse to your Family.  And I want him to have to explain why he made your Family & Friends go through this hell of living life without you.

     I still sit up in the middle of the night to the slightest noise or brush of cool air across my face, hoping it is you coming home.  I swear, I even smell your perfume or the scent of your hair at the strangest times and places & I smile for just a minute thinking, I'm going to turn around & see you standing there, then once again, I'm struck with reality & the anger & hurt takes over turning that little brief moment of anticipation of peace & comfort into my dark, somber world that I've grown accustomed to living in since you were taken from me.  Our lives have been turned upside down & the helplessness I feel that I wasn't able to protect you from all the harm you suffered eats away at me each & every day.  I hope that you understand all the talks I used to have with you & your Friends & the look of concern on my face each time you left the house.  I just wanted to see you continue maturing, plan a wedding & see you give all that love you were blessed with to your children.  All of this has been taken from me & I try to relive those moments of trying to protect you & wonder what I could or should have done to save you from the fate you were dealt.  I'm so sorry, Boog that I wasn't able to protect you!! I love and miss you so much & my heart will never mend until I'm able to be with you again.

     We made it through the first court appearance this morning.  It was so hard to finally look at the one that caused you to be taken away from us.  As I saw him, I searched for understanding upon his face, I wanted to see if I could get an answer somehow, someway as to why a simple man such as him could kill my sweet, beautiful baby girl.  Needless to say, I did not find an answer, not even a hint of reasoning behind all of this.  But what was important today, is not so much what I did or didn't see, it was all about what I heard.  And what I heard was that , his bond will not be decreased & he will remain behind bars! 

     This was very trying on our whole Family, just as losing you after such a short time with us was, But we will keep our heads up and try our best to remain strong for you and the justice you so richly deserve, just send a little piece of that almighty strength you had and we will make it through another day...

I REMEMBER THIS BIRTHDAY I WILL NEVER FORGET NOT EVEN ONE THAT WAS YOURS YOU WHERE ALWAYS HAPPY AND SMILING . NOW WHEN WE TALK OF YOU IT IS AMEMORY IT'S NOT FAIR YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO CELEBRATE YOUR 20TH BIRTHDAY AND EVERYONE AFTER THIS . GOD HAS WONDERFUL PLANS FOR YOU ON THIS SPECIAL DAY CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO TELL US ABOUT IT WHEN WE GET THERE . JESSALYN MY NEICE MY LITTLE FREIND HAPPY BITHDAY WE ALL LOVE YOU MISS YOU WITH EVERY TEAR WE ALL SHED . IF WORDS ARE LOVE GOOD BRING YOU BACK YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT . MY LITTLE FRIEND I  WILL SEE YOU ONE DAY .AND I WILL HUG AND KISS YOU .HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOG

WITH ALL OUR HEARTS AND LOVE FOREVER  AUNT CELLE /

     Hey gal, Waylon just got home & he went straight to your room again, I think he feels so much closer to you when he sits on your bed & looks around at the pictures on your wall as well as the ones he's put on your dresser mirror.  I wish I knew how to help him & he probably wishes he could help us.  I'll always be greatful to you for the help & support you gave to me with Waylon.  I know that you spent alot of your life protecting him & giving up alot of your time to help take care of him.  Me & Derrall used to watch you pulling out of the driveway with Waylon propped-up in the front passenger seat & smile at the thought that a girl your age still took the time to ride your bubba around with you & dare anyone to make a comment about him.  I don't know who would reach for the stereo first, you or Waylon.  I guess ya'll got that from me because ever since the day ya'll were born, I wouldn't get in the car without the radio blaring to our favorite songs .  To be honest, everytime I hear music I feel closer to you & your memory.  It was not unusual for me to ask you or you to ask me, Have you heard that new song, It's sweet!  I can remember going to pick-up Jake & taking him home & we would all sing along with the radio & Jake would tell you to let the singer sing the song, since their the one getting paid.  Me & him would laugh & you would say, Oh, ya'll got jokes huh?  I miss those days so much, It's still so hard to beieve that you both are gone & to this day, I still don't understand, Why?  I am so thankful that Jake took up so much time with Waylon & was never embarassed to have him around.  It was evident that you would not have had a Boyfriend or Friend for that matter that was ashamed to be around Waylon.  I have had alot of people ask how he is doing & it's so hard to tell them because I really don't know myself.  Poor little fellow can't tell me how he feels, I can only watch him & try to keep him content as he wonders where his Sissy & Jake went & be there to wipe his tears that he often has running down his cheeks.  I'll never let him forget you & I'll always remind him of the love & affection that his Big Sister had for him. 

     There used to be no question, when we would talk about who would take care of Waylon when something happened to Me, Derrall & your Daddy.  You would automatically chime-in with, I'll take care of him & whoever I marry will just have to accept it or he can go down the road!  I never thought I would be laying awake at night, wondering what will happen to Waylon now if something was to happen to us.  You were his Hero & I just can't imagine anyone loving & caring for him the way that you did.  So, we have to live each day, trying to stay as healthy as possible & driving with extra caution so that we can stay alive to take care of Waylon as long as God sees deemable.  But, there's also a part of me that has no fear of dying, because I want to see you so darn bad!

    I know that you are in a better place, but I only wish we could all be together in a better place, This family has definately had our shares of  disappointments & heart aches, so we try to live the rest of our given days with restraint & Godly virtues to be a complete Family once again.  Until then, I'll love you as I always have & I'll share your memories & your beauty with everyone I encounter & remind all those that had the blessing of knowing your kind-heartedness & sweetness that you can live on through them & their actions. I'll see you in my dreams & in my every thought & memory. You are & always will be my best friend & my baby!!

     I heard Derrall tell your Daddy before he left for Atlanta, that it seems like the days are getting harder & I will have to agree.  I may not spend the whole day crying & begging God to give you back to me each & every day as much, but, I find myself waking up, usually on the coustill waiting-up hoping that you'll sneak in the back ch (door) several times during the night with a little jolt of mothers' fear, then I rub my eyes, realize that you are still gone & then the extreme madness takes me over & I awaken to this world every morning with a broken heart, tears in my eyes & an unexplainable rage that just increases its fury throughout my day & on into the night.

     I get a phone call that  Satan's Servant that took your life, is still able to be with his Family & Friends & he's now hiding-out like the coward he's always been .  I need to see that demon behind bars for a long, long time for what I had to see that night at the hospital for just a few minutes.  I'll never get that sight out of my mind and how I begged Derrall & Your Daddy to wake you-up, so we could take you home with us.  Then I hear the news or read the newspapers and I hear of someone else's Family destroyed by a drunk driver or a parent having to bail their child out of jail, because they were illegally drinking, fighting or just riding with someone who is intoxicated.  And you know Jessalyn, what really, really, hurts the most is when I hear that someone we know & love is headed down that same road even after we suffered through losing you.  This upsets me so much because I feel they have already forgotten about you,  Why else would someone insult & dishonor you & your memory by taking their precious lives for granted? Which has been given to them to do great things with.  Parents should never have to see what I have seen, hear the words I did or have to pick-out a casket for their child.  It will actually take the air you breathe and make it labored and few, the eyes you see with, will become drowned with tears and blurred by the lack of justice and confusing months spent kneeling by their grave and by your bed.  There is not a peer pressure out there, that's worth reliving the tragic ending to a life like yours, Boog, so forgive me, when I walk around kicking the walls & slamming doors, I'm not as mad at what's been done, as I am about the things I can't get done.  I love you girl, & I will always respect our life together & live to keep your memory & respect as strong as the ol' GEO.