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Mama
 

    Hey Girl, I wanted to let You know that just because it has been 3 Years since Our World was turned upside down, don't make it any easier to live from day to day or make me miss You any less.  I still look around when I think I hear you call out "MAMA" or hear the back door ease open,wishing it was You walking in to say, I'm Home, It's me!"  I think about You all the time & stare at your pictures daily, sometimes with a smile from a memory when the picture was taken but mostly with tears in my eyes, knowing that this is all I have left of You.  Jessalyn, You were & still are such a huge part of My Life, I told Your Aunt Cathy the other night that I feel like my right arm has been taken from me, You were always there when I needed you most, and lately, I've needed you more than ever.  It seems that no -one can understand the hurt & lonliness I feel without You here with me.  There are those that think that I should be over all of the sadness & heartache after 3 years & that maybe I talk about You or mention your name too much, and I've hid alot of my emotions because of those people & it has only added to my depressed state of mind.  I'll never get over losing you nor will I ever stop talking about You, When I speak your name, it make You more than just a memory it keeps you alive in my heart,my mind & soul.  For someone to stop talking about you is someone who seeks attention for themselves and has forgot all the things that You did for them & is only sad that You aren't still here to use & deface.  I always told You,not to worry about what others thought or said about You and yet I find myself taking up for you and Waylon more now than I ever have.  The way I look at it, is I'm the only voice for both of My Children & I will continue to be a voice for you both & defend yall's honor as long as I have breath in my body.

    I was hurting so bad last Friday night at Waylon's Graduation, I looked up at Waylon in heartfelt admiration at all that he has accomplished in a World that has never been accepting of him and the ways that his Autism has caused, then I looked around & realized that two of his biggest fans, You & Papa-Bullard, were not there to celebrate & witness this precious event.  I kept looking toward Heaven and hoped that you both were beaming with adoration from the skies that You kept the chance of any rain from falling to spoil this milestone.  I'm so sorry that You were never able to Graduate yourself & I know it only because of the protection you chose to give to your brother & the honor you bestowed in being his Big Sister & Guardian.  When he walked across that stage to receive his diploma, I could see you both receiving the Honor, because without You and Your dedication to him and all the Years of helping me with all the demands of raising this special, precious boy, He would not be where he is today.  I can still see the hurt & lonliness in his eye's too, I wish that he could talk to me and tell me what he's feeling.  The hurt that takes over my whole being that I'm not able to have a simple conversation with either of the two Children that I was blessed with makes living a little less desirable. To see others take advantage of this normal trait & ignore the words that come from their Children's tongues only makes me angry,hurt & resentful.  I am trying so hard to accept the life that the Lord has assigned me & to watch as others World's seem to carry-on & see them watch their Children get married & have baby's.  It's hard not to be jealous & witness these Family events without shedding a tear or watch without a heavy heart, I just can't seem to understand why Me, You & Waylon have been denied such casual pleasure's that I feel like we deserve just as much as anyone else.  I've tried to be a good person with a kind heart & giving hands and worked hard to bestow these traits to my Children & yet we seem to have suffered the loss of some of the most simple worldly treasures.

  I am thankful for those that have and continue to have respect for Our Family & the loss  & heartache that we have had to endure. These are the People that Pray with me when I'm feeling the most vulnerable, the ones that love to hear me speak Your name & laugh when I share a special moment we had with You, and the ones that encourage me to hold-on a little longer until I'm able to be reunited with You, Your Papa & My Brother.  I will always be greatful for those that seem to share in the bliss of a special time & yet are also there when things aren't going so smooth. 

I love You,Jessalyn and I hope you can hear every word that I whisper to You as well as the words that I shout-out to You in Heaven.  I'll never give-up on you and I'll always have you close in my heart and your name on the tip of my tongue.

Mama
 

Jessalyn:

   This is a Poem that I wrote for You on the 2nd Anniversary of your "Invitation to Heaven."

I started so many different Poems/Sayings to have Printed in The Baker County Press, but I never could finish any of them.  So in True, Melissa Style, I waited until an hour before the deadline & this is what came to me, It was almost like You were guiding my hand as I wrote each word.  This is for You, Baby Girl !!

 

          Two Years ago, Today, The 3rd day of June, 2007.

             Our Daughter, Jessalyn, was invited into Heaven.

             There were no heedful warnings, No Formal Invitations sent.

             Just a Doctor's call &  final look at a face filled with sweet content.

             She never got a chance to buy a Fancy Dress or primp in front of a Mirror.

             Just an Angel sent to her side, As her departure time grew nearer.

             He asked her, "Was She Ready, to meet Her Lord & Saviour?"

             She tearfully nodded, "YES" & descended into Heaven just a few breaths later.

             We miss Our Little Girl and the Beauty she bestowed,

             Now a Cross is planted in her Memory, Beside her Final Traveled Road.

             It took a little while, But We came to understand,

             That somewhere in Heaven, There is a Reunion being planned.

             Our broken hearts will be mended & Our tears forever gone.

             But, then and only then,

             We too, will have been invited HOME !

                

We Love & Miss You Sweetheart,

Mama, Derrall, Waylon & Daddy !

Momma
 

     Hey My Sweet Angel that I miss terribly, I wanted to send You a Picture of The Christmas Tree that I made for You this Christmas (2008).  Last year, I added a Pink Tree with alot of "Bling-Bling" for You, So, this Year, I looked for something that I felt also suited your taste and hoped that it would bring a little Fashion to Your Grave-side.  I still have a difficult time with knowing that My Baby's Tender Body lies in a Cemetary, even though I know that "Taylor" was were You would have chosen, I always find it hard to share My thoughts & feelings while staring at Your Picture on your headstone.  But, somehow,& Some-way, You always seem to send me a sign when I get ready to walk away from your grave.  I told Derrall, that Your chimes begin to ring, the leaves of the Magnolia Tree begin to swirl as well as the Doves flying out from the tree too.  I always chalk it up to You begging me not to leave You and then of Course, the tears that were alresy trickling down my cheeks become like a waterfall of heartache & sorrow and that all-too familiar feeling of someone punching me in my stomach begins to take over while my Heart tears apart even more....

     I"ve always carried that sense of worry of your well-being from the minute You were born.   So I must tell You, that just because the Lord has called You to His Peaceful Home, My Motherly instnct of that worry & emptiness continues on.  I know that My Heart will never be fully content until I am able to meet You again face-to-face and the understanding of all that we've been through as a Family are translated to me by Our Heavenly Father. 

    Boog, You were a blessing to me from the moment I felt Your gentle movement inside me while I carried You, although I couldn't Physically see You at that time.  There is nothing different now that you are gone, Although You aren't Physically standing in my presence at this time, I can still feel Your movement inside me as You stimulate my heart and Your Memories flow through my mind within every minute of all My days & Nights.   I Love You & Miss You.......

 

 

 

 

Momma
 

     Hey Girl, Yesterday was Mother's Day & there are no words to describe the sadness I 've been feeling.  I kept waiting for you to come out of your bedroom & walk over to me, give me a hug, & tell me,"Happy Mother's Day."  You would always sneak a plan to go to Walmart or Cato's with Derrall to buy me something.  I kept every card you ever gave to me & sometimes I just sit & re-read them & pretend that you are still here & that you had just given them to me.  You always knew how to cheer me up & I always noticed the extra effort that you would put into signing your Brothers name on each card, as if he was able to have signed it himself.  You always looked out for Waylon & it scares me to death to know that you won't be here to take care of him when me, Derrall & your Dad can no longer be here.

     I received one of the sweetest cards & gifts from Waylon, Derrick, Amanda & Dalton yesterday & I know that they were trying to replace some of the emptiness I've been feeling & it did warm my heart & add a much needed piece of joy to  a world that has been so sad since you were taken from me.  I actually see a little bit of you in Amanda, each time that I receive a note or just have a conversation with her.  She seems like she wants to know everything about you that she was unable to know from the short time that ya'll were aquainted.  You and Waylon are my favorite subjects of conversation because losing you has made me cherish each & every moment that I have been blessed with having Children & I love to see that same proud feeling in other parents faces as well.  I just want to tell everyone I see, to thank God each day for the blessings that they receive by being a parent, there's nothing in the World like it & I'll never regret getting such an early start at being a Mother!

    I Love You Baby Girl, Take care of my heart, it aches all day, everyday...........

Momma
 

     Some of the best Memories I have of Jessalyn, are the ones when , she would cancel her plans or cut them short, when she knew that Derrall was going out of town.  It was like she felt like she needed to be here with me to protect me, although I think it was because she felt sorry for me sitting at home alone.  So, she would prepare as if she were planning a schedule, by asking Derrall when he was leaving, what time he would be returning & anything else she could think to ask him.  I swear, most of the time, she knew more than I did about Derrall's schedule.  She had her ways of investigating everyone's next move as well as their last move. (Wonder where she got that from?) Well, Derrall is gone out-of town again & she's not here to protect me & Waylon like she used to do.  She always knew how to keep my mind off of things that were bothering me & she couldn't stand to see me sick or sad.  She would do anything she could to make something bad into something good & I'm really needing her now to make everything better.  I try to hold on to remembering all the times we spent together, the good times we had & the private talks we occasionally had but, knowing that she's no longer here to cure my sickness of loneliness & bring variety & sustenous to somewhat monotenous days & nights hurts more than I could ever explain.  

    As well as stopping me from looking forward to the days ahead.  I'll try to keep my sanity as much as possible for Derrall, Waylon & the rest of our Family, but without my baby Girl, I'll never be able to be the person I was before losing that sparkle in my eyes each time I looked at Jessalyn while I imagined the role I would play in Her & Her Family's Future.  I can imagine that she would have been alot like me as a Wife, (maybe a little more stubborn, if possible) & she would have made an Awesome Momma to any child.  This World & its future has suffered a great loss by losing Jessalyn.  I'll keep waking-up each morning to share my love & parenting skills with her Brothers & their Families & press on day by day so that I can be with Heaven's newest contribution of love & assett of Beauty, Jessalyn Miranda Combs..

Momma
 

There have been alot of days that I sit here & try to find the words that describe the way I feel since My World was turned up-side down from losing My sweet baby girl as well as my Best Friend.  But, there are not enough words to describe this feeling of loss that I'm suffering and I can always tell when I'm talking with someone who has not suffered the loss of a child & with ones who have had the unfortunate experience of burying their Child.  When you lose one of your children, it humbles you and brings you to your knees and you begin to go through every emotion there is, then the Devil continuously sends his servants to add to the pain & heartache you are already suffering & I have learned that those servants of his are usually ones that have not suffered the ultimate loss & have a better you than me attitude.  As I have visited other Memorial sites of other children that have lost their lives much too soon, I have come across the following for Parents who have lost a child & I return back to it very often because it is the closest explanation I have found that describes the way I feel, So I wanted to share it with you to let you know the way I feel & I hope & pray that you never have to experience a loss so profound as me & other parents have had to endure.

 

                                       Please Let Me Mourn..........

Please let me mourn - I've never lost a child before, I don't understand all these emotions I am feeling.  Will you try & understand and help me?

Please let me mourn - I may act & appear together, But I am not, Often times it hurts so much I can hardly bear it.

Please let me mourn - Don't expect too much of me.  I will try to help you know what I can & cannot handle.  Sometimes, I am not always sure.

Please let me mourn - Don't tell me about other tragedies that have occured.  Right now, my tragedy is the only one I can bear & I don't want you to tell me that someone else's tagedy is worse.  I don't care about that right now.

Please let me mourn - Let me talk about my child, I need to talk, it's part of the healing.  Don't pretend nothing has happened, It hurts terrible when you do.  I love my child very much & my memories are all I have now & they are very precious to me.

Please let me mourn - Sometimes I cry & act differently, but it's all part of grieving.  My tears are necessary & needed & should not be held back.  It even helps when you cry with me, please don't fear my tears.

Please let me mourn - Sometimes you will see me laugh or seem happy & wonder if I am really hurting, I am.  But God grants me moments of joy in my sorrow, please don't judge me.

Please let me mourn - What I need most is your friendship, your sympathy, your prayers, your support & your understanding love.  I am not the same person I was before my child died & I will never be.  Hopefully, we can all grow from this shared tragedy.

Please let me mourn - God gives me strength to face each day & the hope that I will survive with his help & yours.  Time will heal some of the pain, But there will always be an empty place in my heart.

Please let me mourn and thank you for helping me through the most difficult time of my life.....

AUNT CELLE
 
JANUARY 22-2008 YOU SRE SUPPOSE TO BE HERE CELEBRATING YOU 20TH BIRTHDAY -IT SHOULD BE A BUSY DAY OF SHOPPONG AND BUYING YOU PRETTY CLOTHES FOR YOU TO WEAR . BUT TODAY WE ONLY HAVE MEMORIES OF PAST BIRTHDAY'S GOOD MEMORIES ALWAYS WILL BE WITH US . YOU COULD NEVER WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAY YOU WOULD COUNT THEM DOWN EACH DAY YOU WOULD START THE NEXT DAY AFTER EACH ONE . YOU WERE ALWAYS HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT        . SO WE WISH YOU THE VERY BEST BIRTDAY OF THEM ALL . CELEBRATING WITH ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL ANGELS SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU . I LOVE BOOG AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY . HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FRIEND LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER AUNT CELLE
Momma
 

     I still can't believe that we had to take a Christmas Tree to your graveside this year.  I would give anything, if I could have had you here to help me decorate the one in our home, like you always did.  Derrall asked me, What I wanted for Christmas (you know, like he always did, so he could get you to go with him to buy it on Christmas Eve) I told him that the only thing I wanted was for you to come home to us.  What a joyful day that would have been, to wake-up Christmas morning to see your beautiful face & to watch you & Waylon eagerly tear into your gifts.

     I decorated this tree for you & each ornament was hung with a special memory of you.  I'm sure there are Quite a few teardrops that adorn the branches as well. I call it, Jessalyn's Bling-Bling Tree I hope you liked it.

Momma
 

                    

     I have to keep reminding myself that you are no longer here and hoping that this has all been a horrible nightmare that I can wake-up from and see your beautiful face.  I know now, that you were the energy that kept me going, even if you knew I didn't feel good, you always tried to cheer me up and when I was feeling confused, you would always give me advice.  I was always amazed at the advice you gave to me, it reminded me of how mature you had become.  I'm trying to live each day and handle certain situations by the advice that I imagine you would give me if you were still sitting at the kitchen bar talking to me.  So, Jessalyn, don't lose faith in me, this has been the hardest cross I've had to bear in my life and you know there have been more than one we've had to experience & overcome.  

     Look down from your Sweet Heavenly Home and see how much I love you and miss you and I will be watching & waiting for a liitle hint of advice and support from My Angel, My Daughter, My Best-Friend. Mama loves you!

Momma
 

     As usual, I sit here trying to put everything together at the last minute for Our Family Reunion this weekend & I just caught myself looking around for you to ask me what do I need you to do?  Several times, I have called out your name as if I expected you to come see what I needed but, again you was not there. 

     I'm having a real hard time, Jessalyn, without you, especially the last few days. I look up at the sky & I realize you're not coming back to me, I go to your grave & I want to take a blanket to cover you up because I don't want you to be cold.  I know it sounds like I'm losing my mind & maybe I am.  Losing My Daughter, My First-Born & My Best Friend has taken its toll on me.  You were my rock & I know I didn't tell you that enough.  I know you told your Friends that I was strict & I always wanted to know where you were and where you were going.  But You see, this is what I feared would happen, that something would happen to you & I would have to live my life without you. And to know that all those years of worrying & trying to protect you from this world's evilness, I  still failed to protect you.

     I keep asking myself, What If? I keep reliving that day in my mind over & over and all I can see is you laying on that gurney in that empty hospital room.  Why wasn't I notified by someone earlier, so I could have been there to comfort you?

My mind is clouded every night of imagining you, wondering where Your Momma, Derrall & Daddy were & why wasn't we there to hold your hand.  I never got to tell you Goodbye, Jessalyn and I can't hardly live with it.

     You were always so scared of Doctor's & Hospitals and I couldn't be there to share your last moments here on earth. I have so much anger inside me and so much sorrow to bear each day. Why were You taken from Me? What did I do to deserve so much trajedy and sorrow?  I wince now, each time Waylon gets into a car or on his bus, I fear that if My Oldest was taken from me, so can my youngest.  You were my rock & foundation, Jessalyn but now that foundation has cracked and become so fragile that I live each day weakened and scared.

     I'll think of you tommorrow at the Family Reunion, Just as I do every day,But, I'll miss you saying,"Momma, Take a picture of me!"  I have a permanent mental picture of you and I'll keep it with me always. Please send me strength & be with us all as we share your memories and remember that Beautiful Smile.....

Total Memories: 18
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